Monday, December 13, 2010

A Self Portrait #10

Well, here comes more of the same. After this only 3 more to go. I'm sure I'm shaping up in your mind's eye.


And now there’s Xfe. I thought I’d had real love before, but it’s so different with Xfe. I’d never have expected it to be so different. I compromise a lot more with Xfe. Is that because my love for him is different or is that because of my experience in other relationships, so that I know where I’ve been at fault or may have been at fault and what I may need to do to sort it. There’s much more of a connection with Xfe than there was with S~, and certainly with B~. With Xfe things are easier. Maybe it’s because we’re both older and maybe know what we want in life so we’re less inclined to waste time with people who aren’t exactly what we were looking for. If I hadn’t had met Xfe, I wouldn’t have gone out with people. I’d maybe meet them and know pretty quickly whether I felt a relationship could develop with them or not, and if they were an “or not” there would be no point in seeing them again, whereas 10 or 15 years ago you might have done just for fun because you were bored and wanted a shag or whatever. Your priorities definitely change as you get older, and I think Xfe and I are both mature enough to be aware of that. There was just much more of a connection that developed really, really quickly. That connection? At a very simple level, there’s a physical thing. Xfe is much more the kind of person I go for: he’s Mediterranean, dark haired, dark eyes. S~ was Scottish—very fair, blond hair, slightly freckly. It didn’t much matter when I was with him and it’s not that I wasn’t attracted to him, but now I can see that physically I’m much more attracted to Xfe. Xfe is the closest to me in age of the three. S~ was about eight years younger than me. He was very mature for his age, but I can see now that the age gap made a big difference, because we were at different stages of our lives. But also, just in terms of living together, it’s easier. I don’t feel that I’m walking on eggshells with Xfe, which with the benefit of hindsight I can see is probably what I was sometimes doing with S~.

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