Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Self Portrait #12

Only a couple more installments of my Self Portrait interview done about 4 years ago for some book that may never have been published.

I've not changed the text, though when I re-read some of it I should think I might have! Still, the idea is that it's as you find me, well, as you would have found me 4 years ago...

Because I make decisions for other people all day I don’t like to have to make decisions at home—sometimes with ridiculous consequences. If I want to watch a DVD, I’ll say, “Which film will we watch, Xfe?” but he doesn’t want to choose either, and we end up watching just anything: he can’t choose and I can’t choose and we don’t want to make a decision so we just continue watching TV. Xfe’s not proactive, or fussed about making decisions: he’d rather I made a decision.

What would make my life feel complete? I don’t know. I just think it’s in the nature of people always to be looking for something more, and what you’re looking for changes. If you’re not in a relationship, you want to be in a relationship. If you’re not in the right kind of relationship, you want to be in the right kind of relationship. I’ve got an acquaintance who’s been going to the gym for years, and he wanted to change the shape of his body so that he could have better sex, more sex. He just happened to mention that he went along to something on Sunday night and there were seven blokes and they all just had a shag. And he said he came home and just felt so cheap and so dirty because he came home alone, and he just realised that he wanted to have a partner he could come home to. So people want to have sex, but they want to have a partner. They find a partner, so then it comes down to having the right relationship. Then when you get the right relationship, you focus on something else. I mentioned that I love this flat but already it’s quite small. We’ve started looking at buying a bigger house somewhere. So the focus is, “Maybe it would be nice to have a bigger house.” Well, yeah—it would be nice to have a bigger house and we do need it, but I know that as soon as we get a bigger house, the focus will shift to having or doing something else. I’m absolutely convinced that there’s always something else you want or need or aspire to in life. You’re never going to get there.

1 comment:

Nik_TheGreek said...

Isn't that life? The constant quest to improve it in any way possible? The day you stop evolving/learning is the day you die...

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