Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Self Portrait #13

So, I left you pondering why we might always be looking for something more. What might make life more complete. Always wanting something more. When I was interviewed we were living in the flat. Now of course we have the big house. Is it enough?

Showing here is the Wii me, with Xfe. To tell you the truth, I think they are pretty accurate little characters...

So I spend time thinking, “Is it because I don’t have children? Would my life be complete if I had children?” And I don’t think so. I look at my straight friends who have children. Is their life that bit more complete? That’s the answer: it’s that bit more complete, but it’s probably not complete. It’s that bit more complete because they have their own family, their own offspring, who’ll give them the kind of unconditional love that we all crave that’s different from the love even a partner can give you. A friend’s partner left her when she was pregnant, but it suited her to be pregnant anyway, because she couldn’t wait to have kids. She may not have had a partner but she was going to have a child who she could channel her love to and who would channel love back. But she got back together with her partner and they’re now married and have their second kid. So the first part of that journey is that I will never be fulfilled: there will always still be something that little bit more that I need to be fulfilled.

I’ve had to make compromises in my relationship. Part of coming to London was always that I wanted to be living in the south of France in five years’ time. But it just so happens that my partner is French and the last place he wants to live is France. He doesn’t even want to have a holiday home there—and why would he? He loves London. He wants to continue living in London for a lot longer than I do. I don’t know. I’m sure we’ll live a long life together, but I would happily go back to Scotland. We’re on this journey together, and it’s a great comfort that we are on it together. When I’m totally stressed and feeling how grim work is the really nice thing is that at home I’ve got Xfe. And that’s a big thing, a really important thing. I think he’s mellowed me in a lot of ways. I used to get a lot more stressed about stuff, even when I was with S~. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel secure in that relationship; I just know I’m more secure now. I’m just happier feeling secure in my relationship and that helps a lot with other aspects of my life. I don’t get so worried about what may or may not happen because at the end of the day I can come home and Xfe is here. Who knows where we’ll end up together, but we’ll end up together, I’m sure.

Well, that's the end of my Self Portrait. That I split it up into 13 parts is no coincidence. 13 is my favourite number.

3 comments:

Nik_TheGreek said...

That last picture is perfect...
Thanks for sharing

Paul Brownsey said...

Your self-portrait series has been really interesting - not merely because of what it discloses about you but, more generally, because it shows how a gay man can reflect intelligently and illuminatingly on what it means to have come through as a gay man in modern Britain. I suppose I do quite a lot of that. I particularly liked the last episode: reflections on what kids can mean in one's life, nicely avoiding all cliches and party-lines. It chimes in with some of the thoughts I have when I reflect on our neighbour here in Glasgow, an elderly woman whose Christmas revolves around visiting or being visited by her three middle-aged children. As Jim and I wave her off, I find myself wondering how enviable this is...

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising. A good Christmas and New Year to you both.

MadeInScotland said...

Well, PB, it seems I've been getting a name all around the place, so patronising or other I can work out and place your meaning.

ahoj

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