Sunday, January 30, 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011


Hurrah! Mon C is home and normal service has been resumed.

A weekend together, doing homely things.

More irony! Remember this? On Sunday night, 10pm approx my neighbour was burgled. While she and her son were in the house!

He came in through our garden at the rear.

He was caught by the police (having fled as soon as he realised people were in the house).

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Little Water Clears Us Of This Deed”

"A little water clears us of this deed...”

John knew this could not be true - everything was a mess.

Not the tears. Consider the tears that his friend shed on parting. Doubly damning. Despite his promises John knew that it really was a last goodbye. They couldn't meet again.

In the event he didn't go and shower immediately.

"All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand."

So, last night, in a different bedroom, I had this dream. I had fallen in love with someone else, who loved me dearly. Xfe had moved out, a temporary thing, but equally permanent. All the company did was to reinforce my loneliness, absence of Xfe.

But, my resolve was made. I would plead for Xfe to come home.

And as he is coming home on Wednesday, so too in my dream was he coming home. So, I had to say goodbye to my fresh lover, who was not Xfe. He was in tears. I was not. I knew that, as sad as I felt, a greater good was to happen.

To me.

Leaving him lost, empty, alone.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Party Fears Two

Perhaps I know why the alcohol loves you/while turning you blue.

Life is never easy.

Oh MY GOD! Heterosexual reality check. Claire Grogan. Snoged her once when I was a beautiful 16 yo student, and she was a couple of years older (looking for groupies).

Me and you, Claire (before you met Ian Beale) and well before this. I was only 16 years old. By then, now here, yiu are very sophisticated (for the 80's):

Famine, Feast

I am really hungry. 'Cos the meaning of my life is in classy voice. Pleasure or regret.

Put me on the right tracks?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dark Isolation

Three nights ago I finished reading a rather atmospheric ghost story.

I couldn't remember buying the book. It was just there, on a pile of books, when I went to look for something. Quick reference to my Amazon recent purchases didn't include it. It wasn't a gift, and certainly, not a book Xfe would buy for himself.

It's the sort of book you read through, knowing something dreadful is to happen. The closer you get to the end, the sooner you know it's going to happen..... Then it does, and the horror races on at a pace.

When I finished, I had a horrible thought. What if there was something upstairs? Something dark and malignant. I realised all these nights I had spent with Xfe away, our bedroom door wide open at the foot of the stairs leading upward, while I slept in fits and starts.

Weeks, even months, can go by without me putting foot up there.

I fell asleep and thought nothing more of it.

So much for austerity! I've spent less than £200 on AmEx since this time last month. Xfe has spent over £1,775. Pretty heavy going, especially as he has been working in China the last 2 weeks (none of the spend is his expenses).

However, I can tell from his China spend that he has brought me something rather nice...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Safe As Houses

I love the space in our house. Not just the actual space, but the space itself.

The former is the joy of having four bedrooms, three public rooms, two bathrooms, two toilets and a cloakroom (and cellar) spread over three floors and two mezzanine levels.

The latter is the comfort of the security afforded by the personal space that is home.

When I close the door, even although the outside world continues without me, only metres away from my front door, all around, I'm safe.

When the front door closes so, to, do I lock myself away from the oppression of daily working life.

My space, my terms, my self.

At a social function earlier this week, someone I knew told me a story.

He was cruising on Gaydar, and struck lucky. A hot young thing wanted fun with him, and was desperate to come round to his flat. He couldn't believe his luck. Some Über-hot 21 year old wanted to come round and play. Play with him. Even though he was (probably) over 15 years older. Über-hot 21 year old was open to all sorts of fun he suggested. Über-hot 21 year old turned up. As he said he would. Even better. This was going to happen. Hot Über-fun. It was real. He took Über-hot 21 year old to his bedroom. He undressed. Über-hot 21 year old unsheathed a knife. Über-hot 21 year old took his money, his mobile and his watch.

My first thought was how stupid.

My next was how awful - to be violated, in your safe space. I thought how I would feel. It would destroy my safe space. Totally. Perhaps forever.

As to the stupidity, I asked if he reported the incident to the police. He did not. The profile, he said, was gone. Besides, he had a boyfriend....

This, he explained, was last year. He now only goes out, and no longer accommodates.

Why stupid? I remembered my rules for Gaydar, pre-Xfe:
  • if it's too good to be true, it's too good to be true
  • swap texts and numbers; that way at least I felt if I disappeared there would be some trace, and less chance of it happening
  • how many profile views - high good, low less so
  • valuables hidden, watch off (my watch is very precious)
  • meet in public, then take home - point out the CCTV camera to him, mention the public who have seen you together
  • escape route always - whether that is window ready to open
  • less chat more risk; the perp wants to get there and steal
If I remember any more I will surely add them.

Friday, January 14, 2011



This week has been incredibly busy, and I am exhausted.

I've barely eaten (properly), and lost my appetite to enjoy a glass of red wine this evening. Mind you, a G&T appears to have done the trick.

I've had hours of meetings this week.

My dealings with a high profile client are proving taxing.

On the same day that someone fainted onto me on the tube, en route to work, I met Brian Paddick at a social function.

I don't really know what I want to do to make the most of this weekend. Though, I should do something....

Xfe is still in China. And I stopped using Grindr. It was only for cruising....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Dear Mon C - Wednesday Morning

I didn't have a G&T last night; when I had a couple the night before I didn't sleep well. It was the first time that I noticed that I really was sleeping better on work nights when I didn't have a few glasses of wine.

In any event, I don't much feel like it. Instead I went off to bed early and caught up with my reading.

At the weekend R1 was showing me his Apps - and we were looking at Grindr. I think it's mainly a cruising tool; but I might load it up and see if we stumble upon any friends and neighbours. Though if it's primarily for cruising, then it will only be a short association!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dear Mon C

Mon C, you find me at home after a stressful day.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm enjoying a gin & tonic. I really didn't fancy a glass of red wine. I'll just have the one mind. It is a school night.

Coming home at Farringdon tube station there was a big police presence. Sniffer dogs as you came through the ticket barrier, and 3-4 (policemen) on the platform. Hmm.

Tomorrow I have the terrible meeting. Another G&T I think.

I set the Sky+ to record Episodes. And I've deselected Doctors. Really.


Friday, January 07, 2011

Another Fixture

I'm doing something at the moment that I cannot comment on.

But the nature of it stresses me. Consequently I struggle with skills and competencies that otherwise don't faze me.

The new and scary going on is the client relationship, in all its funny little ways.

Conscious of my gayness, already feeling stressed, but still me, nevertheless.

If only it were as simple as Gavin Henson.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Objectif 2011?

I need an objective. Having gloriously failed 2010's task I'm unperturbed.

Sitting on the bus earlier my mind turned to what task I could set myself. My eye kept glancing over at newspapers being read. Everywhere I could see an article about the economy, the deficit, the VAT increase...

Xfe got a New Year best wishes text from a colleague in Israel. They had Googled the hebrew phrase "in French", and come up with Bonne Année Fiscale - happy financial year.

So perhaps that's what I should focus on. A miserly year, pumping money into pots of prudence, and being less wasteful. You know they thing - pension, extra mortgage repayments. Even saving...

That said, if I wanted to report on progress, I'd have to come up with some formula for identifying what I'd saved spend without referring to the figures. Otherwise I'd appear vulgar. Well, more than usual.

Maybe I could do a pie chart with slices showing % of income and allocations.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to buy another App for the iPod. A financial one.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

2011, Day #1

It may have been the 1st January, but how times have changed.

Almost everything is open. For business. Public transport, shops. Tourists. Aaargh! 1st January was tourist hell.

We headed to the Adelphi on the Strand to see Love Never Dies. The sequel to Phantom of the Opera.

The tube was packed. All these tourists for the London New Years Day parade. I actually hadn't heard of it before. It was on the news because all the American High School marching bands/glee club/cheerleader groups were stranded on the east coast of America, due to adverse conditions, unlikely to make it.

Apparently the London NY day parade is huge in America. The route this year remained changed. To please the American viewing public. Millions watch it on TV in the US, yet it isn't even televised here.

I think that tells you its purpose!

So, Love Never Dies. Our first theatre of 2011. A rather unsatisfactory sequel to the almost perfect Phantom.

The world’s greatest love story continues…

From the Gothic surrounds of the Paris Opera House to the dazzling heights of New York’s Coney Island – the Phantom returns. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s spectacular new musical reunites the masked Phantom with his only true love and musical protégée, the stunning beauty Christine Daaé. Love Never Dies is a roller-coaster ride of intrigue, obsession and romance – where little is as it first appears.

With Madame Giry’s help the Phantom escaped the Paris mobs to build a glittering new empire in the new world. For ten long years the Phantom has hidden himself amongst the freaks and sideshows nursing his broken heart and yearning for his true love to return. And now…

Blinded by money and the bright lights of Coney – Christine, with Raoul and their son Gustave, is lured to America to perform one final time. But Christine soon discovers the true identity of the mysterious impresario who has tempted her across the Atlantic. As old wounds are reopened and forgotten memories unlocked – The Phantom sets out to prove that, indeed, Love Never Dies.

Hmm. Extremely unsatisfactory, even after the surgery the show has had to try and make it work better. There are great costumes, music, songs, scenery, performances. But it tries too hard to replicate a winner, and isn't.

Saturday, January 01, 2011


Bliadhna Mhath Ùr!

It's the 1st January 2011; 1/1/11. Happy New Year.

Happy NY2011 Friends

It's us...

Love you always - never, ever change.


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